"Shoulding" On Yourself
Do you make a habit of “shoulding” on yourself? Should statements are a type of cognitive distortion, which are perceptions that lead people to see things in inaccurate and often extreme and/or negative ways. If this way of thinking happens often or is not managed, it can lead to an increase in anxiety and depression. Many times we aren't even aware of our extreme thinking. Start by simply being aware of your “shoulding” and noticing when you use the phrase “I should or you should”. Below we have some ways to move away from “should” statements.
Do you find yourself “shoulding” on yourself or others? Here are some examples:
“I shouldn’t be so lazy”
“I should work out more”
“You shouldn’t be her friend”
“You should spend more time with me”
“I shouldn’t feel this way”
“You shouldn’t act like that”
When we say “should” statements to ourselves, it leads to feelings of guilt. When we use a “should” statement towards someone else, it can make them feel anger or resentment. Instead, try to rephrase your statements. Here are some examples:
“It would benefit my health to go to the gym”
“I am worried about how she treats you and I don’t want you to get hurt”
“I am feeling lonely and would like to spend some quality time together this weekend by watching a movie or going for a walk”
“My feelings are valid and I am going to show myself compassion”
“When you yell at me, I feel hurt and angry”
Want to learn more about cognitive distortions? Check out our blog https://www.coopercounselingcenter.com/blog/cognitivedistortions