Perfectionism

Are you a self-identified perfectionist? Struggling with perfectionism can look like:

-Having unrealistic standards for yourself and others

-Being afraid of failing or seeing anything less than perfect as a failure

-Difficulty letting go of something that isn’t “perfect” or a mistake made 

-Being highly critical of yourself and others 

-Avoidance or procrastination of a task because it can’t be done perfectly or might fail 

Below I will discuss how perfectionism can be linked to past trauma, is trying to protect you, and how it ultimately leads to feelings of shame. 

How is Perfectionism Linked to Past Trauma?:

Trauma is anything that overwhelms the brain. It can range from chronic hurtful messages, abuse, growing up with a caregiver who struggles with mental health difficulties or addiction, bullying, and many other scenarios. In response to these experiences, we learn to adapt to keep ourselves safe. Perfectionism is a common adaptation to increase feelings of safety and perceived control. Here are a few examples:

-Maybe as a child, you developed perfectionist behaviors to decrease the chances of upsetting a caregiver and therefore attempting to reduce any hurtful responses from the caregiver. 

-Perhaps you were hard on yourself and perfectionistic to ensure you got good grades and excelled at extracurricular activities because that is when you received praise or attention. This made you feel good and worthy, so of course, you continue this behavior. 

How is Perfectionism Trying to Protect You?:

Sometimes we develop a pattern of behavior or habits to protect ourselves from experiencing difficult emotions or unpleasant memories or situations. Perfectionistic behavior could be an effort to protect ourselves from things like judgment from others, insecurities, or feeling not in control. We may strive to appear perfect to others to protect ourselves from possible judgment, criticism, or letting our insecurities be seen. Perfectionism may also be a perceived way to prevent failure, which of course is inevitable. We might think “If I am perfect or strive for perfection in all that I do, I can’t fail.” While perfectionism can be exhausting, it can be helpful to understand that this behavior is trying to protect us from deep hurts or fears. 

How does Perfectionism Lead to Shame Spiraling?:

Perfectionism is an unattainable goal and creates a destructive spiral. Since life is naturally filled with growth opportunities (hard things) and perfection is not possible, we will eventually experience the difficult emotions or situations that perfection is trying to protect us from. When this happens, we think it occurred because we weren’t perfect enough, which spirals us into continued perfectionistic behavior and feeling shame. The spiral continues when we blame ourselves for feeling this way, strive to be more perfect, and continue the pattern. 

How to Overcome Perfectionism?: 

So how do we break free from perfectionism? Self-compassion, time, and intentionality. 

Self-compassion involves being kind and understanding towards ourselves, recognizing that our struggles are shared by humanity (we all have insecurities), and being careful to not minimize nor magnify our emotions (these are cognitive distortions). Self-compassion is a shift in perspective. It’s showing ourselves kindness when we’ve made a mistake instead of calling ourselves an idiot. 

If perfectionism has been a way of coping for years or even decades, it’s going to take time to change the habit. With time and patience, it is possible, however, it might be helpful to work with a counselor to heal those past hurts that are rooted in our perfectionism. 

Lastly, changing a deeply ingrained habit requires intentionality. Here are some ideas:

-Start each morning with a self-compassionate affirmation: “ no matter what happens today, I am enough.”

-Put sticky notes around as a  reminder to be kind and understanding.

-Have a list of self-compassionate responses prepared to help overcome a shame spiral. 

This blog was inspired by Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfections. If you are interested in learning more about self-compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff is a great resource.