Communication Styles
We can learn our communication style from parents/caregivers or develop a passive or aggressive communication style as a way to cope with trauma, covert trauma, or personal insecurities. Becoming aware of your communication style is the first step.
Passive Communication: People who use passive communication do not share their needs and feelings with others. They often find themselves in hurtful situations where they are being taken advantage of. With passive communication, the goal is to be “liked”, play things safe, and not “rock the boat”. Often when we have experienced trauma, we may use this communication style to try to keep ourselves safe. Here are some other examples of a passive communication style.
Fearful of being “wrong”
Often feels anxious, isolated, and misunderstood
Allows others to violate their personal rights
Keeps things in to avoid conflict, making mistakes, or getting in trouble
Aggressive Communication: People who use aggressive communication hurt and violate others when sharing their needs and feelings. They may be considered verbally abusive due to their use of criticism, humiliation, and dominance. With aggressive communication, the goal is to be right and prove it. Often this type of communication can be learned in childhood from a parent/caregiver or be an unhealthy way someone learned to get their needs met or feel safe. Here are some other examples of an aggressive communication style.
Feels superior
Violates rights and is disrespectful of others
Is bossy, rude, and controlling of others
Gets easily angered and is judgmental of others
Passive-Aggressive Communication: People who use passive-aggressive communication are aware and value their needs and feelings, but struggle to communicate. With passive-aggressive communication, the goal is to alleviate one’s anger or resentment without feeling at risk of conflict or judgment. This type of communication can be very hurtful to others and more difficult to pinpoint because it is a more sly form of communication. Here are some other examples of a passive-aggressive communication style.
Mutters things under their breath
Giving someone the silent treatment
Denying anything is wrong with asked
Facial expression, body language, or tone doesn't match what they are saying
Assertive Communication: People who use assertive communication share their needs and feelings in a respectful way that also honors the needs and feelings of the other individual. With assertive communication, the goal is to express yourself in a kind, honest, and clear manner. This type of communication takes practice and is a learned skill. Here are some other examples of assertive communication.
Sensitive and caring to both self and others
Expresses feelings tactfully and maturely
Uses “I” statements
Communicates in a calm and collected way
Once you have identified your communication style, it is important to explore how that style is serving you and came to be. Sometimes deeper exploration and self-awareness is helpful, so it is recommended to meet with a licensed mental health professional for further guidance.
Here are some tips you can start using today to increase your assertive communication:
“I” messages to express thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs
Journal your emotions and thoughts to develop personal awareness before sharing
Make sure you are calm and maintain self-regulation
Listen and be open to others’ thoughts and needs